Husband Appreciation Day begs the question: Have you been neglecting your spouse year-round?
By David Oliver
The sweet, sultry scent of coffee you smell first thing in the morning. The bed miraculously made just when you go to tidy the sheets. The elation you experience when you open the refrigerator and realize you don’t need anything from the grocery store.
It’s the little things that keep us happy. And it’s all the more true in relationships. But life and work often get in the way and make us think of our significant others as just kind of being there, and as a result we forget to pay them special attention. That’s why “Husband Appreciation Day” – coming up on Saturday – might be worth noting on your calendar.
Experts say celebrating days like these doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been neglecting your spouse year-round. But it’s a time to show they are worth recognizing and it’s helpful to reflect on your relationship and communication.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little extra appreciation,” says Loree Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It doesn’t hurt as long as it’s expressed in a very genuine manner. Small gestures mean a lot, and can go a long way.”
We take our partners for granted
Work, school, life, kids and dinners soak up social calendars and leave little room for romance, let alone ways to show our partners we care.
“It’s so easy for one person to just expect the other person to do that, and take it for granted,” says Jane Greer, marriage and family therapist and author of “Am I Lying to Myself?: How To Overcome Denial and See the Truth.” “And the person who’s doing all these little gestures of love starts to feel unappreciated, taken for granted, not valued.”
It happens without you realizing (and that’s OK). “Sometimes we don’t know we’re falling off the horse until we land with a big thump,” Greer says.
The importance of expressing gratitude
Many gestures help keep that relationship spark burning bright. But the most important one might be letting someone know how much you appreciate them.
“Research has consistently demonstrated a robust link between expressions of gratitude within romantic relationships and various indicators of relationship satisfaction,” says Miranda Nadeau, a licensed psychologist. “When we hear our spouse expressing thanks towards us, we feel happier about the relationship overall.”
It also helps shield couples from conflict. “Partners are more inclined to approach disagreements with empathy and understanding, mitigating the potential for conflict escalation,” Nadeau adds.
How to keep a marriage healthy
Lean into the extra appreciation – on these special days and otherwise. “It’s essential to notice the good, reflect the positive qualities you see in your spouse, and seek to understand rather than rationalize your partner’s feelings,” Nadeau says. You can’t go wrong with another “I love you” or “thank you” in your day, or another alternative expression of love your spouse will enjoy.
Work together when conflict arises. “Making sure that they turn toward each other and not away from each other,” Johnson adds. “Are they regularly checking in? Do they know what the highs and lows of their partner’s day are like? Do they know what’s worrying their partner? Do they know what their partner is excited about? What are their rituals that help them stay connected?” Also get to know how your partner likes to resolve conflicts.
Go the extra mile with chores. Does your partner hate grocery shopping but frequently do it anyway? Maybe you pick up the dinner supplies a few days a week instead. “Continuing to find ways to keep that energy focused on your partner, is one of the most helpful things that someone could do,” Johnson says.
Quality time matters. Think date night, daily or weekly check-ins – whatever rituals work best for the relationship.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Say what you desire, “and if you get it, acknowledge,” Greer says. “Acknowledgement is the key here.”
Try and keep the love-fest going as long as you can – subtly, too.
“While it’s nice to have special days to celebrate, it’s even better to make appreciation a regular part of your relationship,” Nadeau says. “It’s like watering a plant – you have to do it regularly to keep it healthy and growing strong.”
And in case you were wondering: “Wife Appreciation Day” is in September.
