Nigeria Memoirs – 2 : Protocols & Pitfalls
By Colonel Akhil Gupta Retd
Fortunately, I never had the occasion of being in presence of ordained or elected higher mortals till I reached Nigeria in the capacity of the Country Head of an NGO. Suddenly, I was catapulted in representing the NGO to the various higher functionaries under our new flagship programs of working in the spirit of Partnership. We aimed at setting up at least one each of Primary Health Care projects, Eye Hospitals and Safe drinking water projects across all the 6 geo-political zones. This necessitated seeking and re-seeking meetings with Governors, Commissioners and Federal Ministers for presenting of proposals, signing of MOUs and implementing our projects. Thereafter every time the movement of files and nothings would appear slow or strike a wall, I would have to repeat the process. This was a frequent occurrence and an arduous journey as I found that the top hierarchy though in agreement with us but would not push the bureaucratic set up enough in the areas of Licences, Agreements, MOUs, Financial sanctions. These had to be coordinated through various departments of all the 3 levels of Government – Federal, State and Local Governments (District Level).
I had taken it up as a mission while the Govt as usual, was in no hurry. The tasks were daunting especially, where you look at the corruption index for Nigeria. A bribe is considered as an entitled gift. Nothing would move without a backsheesh. As an NGO which was looking forward to only serving the poor and the disadvantaged, and not expecting anything, anything at all, in return, there was no question of commissions and cuts. I strongly felt that we should not gift (read bribe) whatsoever. My Chairman had cautioned me, that I would fail in my overall objective if I did not do in Rome what Romans were expected to do. But I was adamant also because I had my military ethos at stake. Hence, we came to a tacit agreement that whenever he would be visiting Nigeria, he would ensure the lubrication of way forward by being the bearer of gifts rather than me. More on that later.
In every one-on-one meeting, the protocol envisaged exchange of elaborate greetings alongside introductions. In greetings, one was expected to include every possible thing related to the individuals bearing. This was achieved through minimum 5 to 6 question/ statements. Hope the night was peaceful; Hope the health is satisfactory; Hope the family is fine; Hope the journey to office was uneventful; Hope today’s busy work is bearable; Weather status as is and its effects and so on. This would be followed by general talk on local/ state/ country issues likely having an overall effect and then we would come to, how our NGO is faring and our plans/ work progressing overall in the country. It was only on rare occasion when I knew the concerned person well enough that I could ignore the formalities.
Once we were done and dusted and this round of pleasantries had been exchanged, only then could we move in for the big kill on the agenda and launch into discussions. Similarly, despite success or failure of the meeting, the requirement would be to show that we understand the position of each other, continue to have mutual respect despite differences and hopefully will find common ground on other issues including solutions for this one too. I wonder, this is what would be happening with our heroes in the past 20 odd rounds of Indo-China meetings post Galwan with frustrating outcome and no results. The most difficult part was to present a poker face attitude bereft of any anger, dejection or elation.
Once our activities commenced and the benefit started trickling down to the needy and poor rural communities, it was entirely a different ball-game. We were courted by everyone, especially the top hierarchy. Through our programs they gained political mileage. In some states, when our touch to the disadvantaged had reached out to a critically vast population, it dawned upon the Govt in power that the benefit to the population gives them an electoral advantage with promoting our welfare activities. They would use the opportunity to air it on radio, public speeches and get visitors to observe our activities. I had the privilege of showcasing our projects once to President, twice to Vice Presidents and numerous times to the Governors besides their executive teams from different states. A high point was when I was a solitary guest with a General and his wife, a Senator herself, for 4 days at their retreat. He was COAS of Nigerian army for 4 years around the year of our commission. With his role in a coup in his earlier days, he had earned the infamous nickname of “Butcher of Ibadan”. Presently a kingmaker, one of the wealthiest Nigerians, now a respectable philanthropist.
A new aspect of protocol which I had to quickly learn was the method of addressing a meeting being attended by all sort of dignitaries in the audience. It was a nightmare to match names to designations and honorific titles. Designations viz Governors, Ministers, Commissioners, Govt functionaries, Religious leaders and others with their titles viz Excellencies, Honourable, Royal Highness, Sultan, Emir, Alhaji, His Holiness, Bishop, Cardinal, Reverand, Waziri, Chief, Prince, Oba, Ooni, Onwa, Ambassador, Senator, Congress men/women and so on. No wonder, we would have to end the introductory hellos with our favourite takiya kalam “all errors and oversights may please be overlooked and forgiven“.
I mentioned earlier about gifts. Cash gifts were never given. Instead, expensive gifts like Rolex watches, gold/ silver coated pens, elegant necklaces (not gold/diamond), exquisite perfumes, branded lady hand bags, gem studded brooches were considered par in the government levels while for the royalty and chiefs, it would invariably be Agbada (also called Babban-riga) along with elaborate headgear. This is an embroidered long flowing, loosely fitting, ankle length robe divided over 3 pieces. It is a sort of ceremonial dress.
Sometimes, we too were recipients of gifts and indirect perks. In some states, we would get accommodation in state guest houses including fine dining accompanied with official vehicle from arrival at the airport till departure to travel across the state. Of course, we would fuel the vehicle and pay travelling allowance to their driver. I have also received a walking stick with Nigerian Coat of Arms as its handle. Nigerian coat of arms consists of a black shield flanked by a horse on either side with an eagle perched on top and Nigerian motto “Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress” written at the base of the emblem.
In communities where we had done extensive work, two offers, which I have received multiple times and were politely rejected every time were donning the title of Chief and …!!! Agreeing to the title of Chief should not have been a problem till I realised, this involved celebration wherein folks of all villages under the present chieftain would have to be invited to a feast where at least 25 to 40 cows would be slaughtered besides many other expenses. This was blasphemous and so was the deterring exorbitant cost. Alas, I missed the opportunity of a title getting bestowed on me.
The second offer ….!!! was hand of a belle from the chieftain’s community of my choosing in marriage. Since my wife had declined to live in Nigeria after her first and only visit in 2005, I could in a show of deceitfully couched modesty, consider it as a possibility, akin to nikah mut’ah (a temporary marriage for pleasure acceptable in Shia- Islam when away from home). But, alas, this was also out of question. You see, the pre-requisite was, I would have to convert to Islam or Christianity first. Winds bearing such wonderful gifts seldom knock on your door. Nonetheless, with deep regret, I had to bid adieu to both the awesome offers.
Our work was most visible and quantifiable where we were directly undertaking restoration of sight through eye surgeries, followed by provision of drinkable water. Over the years, we have done more than 1.5 Lakh free eye surgeries and restored more than 8300 drinking water resources benefitting more than 4 million rural persons across Nigeria. However, I believe that our work in primary health care has contributed to the greatest benefit. This has been extended to more than 4.5 million individuals. The intangibility in quantification of this benefit and results is hidden in statistical terms of reduction in infant and maternal mortality or in percentages. Percentages in preventing scores of communicable and non-communicable diseases like polio, typhoid, tetanus, hepatitis, measles, yellow fever, HIV and others through timely vaccinations and other interventions in vulnerable population including malnourished pregnant mothers and children.
