Satire : The PAK Straits : Pakistani Generals and Politicians Ingenious Plan For Wholly Isolated India
by Chidanand Rajghatta
Not satisfied with cutting off diplomatic ties and trade during its spat with New Delhi over Kashmir, to the extent of even rejecting sweets from the Indian military on the border on the occasion of Eid, Pakistan’s politicians and generals met to discuss further action to isolate India. It was decided first that Pakistan would stop all river waters coming from India. This would also result in serious trouble for India since the blocked water would have nowhere to go but flood an already flooded India. The problem of the resultant empty rivers in Pakistan would be solved – by allowing the Arabian Sea to flow back into the empty river channels. Pakistan would ask deeper-than-oceans friend China for help with technology to turn salt water into fresh water.
Next up, Pakistan would also block all air traffic coming from India, including planes, birds, bees, pollen, and finally air itself. This would result in India suffocating in its own pollution. Pakistan would thrive in fresh breeze coming from Saudi Arabia. Pakistan would also ask higher-than-mountain friend China to erect stratospheric screens to stop airflow from India. In return, Pakistan would export its pristine air to Xinjiang in China via PoK. It was also decided that Pakistan would ban all words derived from Indic/ Pindic languages such as Sanskrit and Persian. In fact, Indus River would be renamed Pakus River, the birthplace of the Pakus Valley Civilisation. Indian Ocean would be renamed Pakistan Ocean. The languages Sindhi and Hindko would be renamed Pakhi and Pakho to remove all references to India.
Since ‘Stan’ is Sanskritic, the meeting grappled with the name of Pakistan itself. Unlike other -stan countries, where the first part of the name refers to the indigenous people (eg Tajiks of Tajikistan, Uzbeks of Uzbekistan), there are no people called Paks in Pakistan. There are Punjabis, Sindhis, Kashmiris, etc and the explanation for the name Pakistan is that it takes the first letter of each ethnic group in the country. The initial thinking was the country would be renamed Pakistun or Pakistain to get around Stan. But since Punjabis and Sindhis said they felt more Indian than Pakistani, and the Baloch said they were left out (and were quite happy about it), it was decided the country would not only forsake water and air, but would also become nameless, as was the case before 1933 when the ridiculous idea of converting part of India into an alphabet soup called Pakistan was conceived.
DISCLAIMER : This article is intended to bring a smile to your face. Any connection to events and characters in real life is coincidental
